Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
