I wanna bring you to show and tell
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
tell me about the fingering
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