so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Welp...herpes.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
