i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
