i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
