do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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