I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
