gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
