omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
