she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
There are leaves in my underwear?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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