and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
