I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
