He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There r osticjed everywhere
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
