sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
