If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
