I like my sex mixed with concussions.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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