Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
