I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
