You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just threw up on my dentist
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
