I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
