I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sarcasm needs its own font
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
