Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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