So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
