apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
