He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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