i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
