you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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