hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i think im in europe. pls send help
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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