I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
it's great music for shaving your balls
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
