update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
