I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
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