Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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