I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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