Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
