do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
