Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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