uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
