Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
