I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
