I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
