yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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