you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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