Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
