what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
