I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
