do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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