My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
