Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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