Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
