just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
